Emotional Deception: Are You Guilty?

Like many women, René, a writer from the North (who asked to use only her middle name) had two husbands: a regular spouse and a “working husband,”” A guy – funny, smart, funny – she spends 9 hours a day with him. The chemistry is obvious, but it never ‘happened’. Or is it true?

They are every morning Going straight to each other, their chats became increasingly personal. “I definitely talked to him about things I didn’t talk to my husband, including my husband, because I’m in a very unhappy marriage,” René said. He sat too close to the meeting. She admitted she fantasized about a relationship.

Is she cheating? Gail Saltz Medicine, Associate Professor of Psychiatry at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical College “It’s very likely,” says Dr.

“Many of these emotional affairs do turn into sexual events,” Saltz said. “If they don’t, it’s easy to say to yourself that you didn’t do anything wrong. . “

The problem, she says, is that attachment to others affects marriage. “Eventually it ends painfully one way or another: your marriage ends, or You have to let this person go. “René’s marriage ended in divorce, but that doesn’t have to happen to you.

People who are often involved in emotional affairs feel that something is missing at home. “It makes them feel understood and desired.” feels good. Just like candy. You go home and eat vegetables, then go to work and eat candy.

Saltz says that for some spouses — more commonly women — learning about a relationship can be worse than finding out about sexual infidelity. “Everyone understands that sex doesn’t have to involve affection or intimacy.” relation. Literally, it could have something to do with sex. And emotional things are more about connection, about love or liking. ”

Signs that you’ve crossed a line

According to Saltz, these seven red flags that you may have entered an emotional event:

  1. You spend a lot of emotional energy on this person. “You end up sharing things that you don’t even share with your partner—hopes and dreams that actually connect you to your partner. “
  2. You dress up for that person.
  3. You emphasize finding ways to spend time together, and that time is very important to you.
  4. If you Your partner sees you together and you feel guilty; you are doing and saying things you would never do or say in front of your spouse.
  5. You share your unsatisfactory feelings about your marriage .
  6. You keep a secret about the time you spend with the other person (including emailing, calling, texting).
  7. You begin to feel dependent on the emotional highs of the relationship .
Exit affairs

These affairs are hard to stop, Saltz says. But to give your marriage a chance, “You just have to end it. I don’t think half of it. The slope is too slippery. “If it’s someone you can’t avoid, talk to them directly. Tell them, ‘I don’t need to do this,'” Saltz says.

Your next step: find out what’s causing You bond with this person, says psychologist Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., After the Affair: Heating the pain and Rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaited.

“This One of the key tasks necessary for a couple to survive emotional infidelity is for both parties to explore its roots – why does it happen? What does this say about me, you and us as a couple? She added: “Rather than confiding in others, speak up and clash openly.” “

Instead of playing the blame game, find the contributing factors on both sides.

If you want to save your marriage, the sooner you address the problem, the better,” Saltz said. “And the sooner The better to cut off the things that lead to the betrayal. “